The Life of a Vegetarian
in a Meat-Eating World
After
my first year of teaching, I took advantage of the summer off and drove across
the USA. It may surprise you, but there are people in our modern world that
really don’t know what a vegetarian is. I stopped at a diner deep in the heart
of cattle country, where healthy eating is trimming the fat off the steak and
sopping the gravy with wheat bread instead of white. When I asked if they had
any vegetarian dishes the waitress responded, “Oh sure! Turkey or chicken?”
I
smiled politely, shook my head, and ordered what some of my friends call
‘rabbit food’ (a tossed salad). After a loud clanging of pots and pans, the
waitress arrived at my table with a sheepish grin, “The cook tossed the salad
alright - all over the floor.” Then she leaned in to whisper, “It’s
probably better anyway. Most people around here don’t eat lettuce unless
it’s on their burgers and I’m sure the stuff was a few days old.”
What’s
a vegetarian to do? I was starving and the nearest town was 70-80 miles away. I
searched the menu and found the “heart attack on a plate”-deep-fried
mushrooms, onions, zucchini, okra... beer-battered whatever. Instead of these or
a casket of fried mozzarella sticks (did I just say ‘casket’? Freudian
slip), I was happy to choose mashed potatoes, homemade macaroni and cheese, and
green bean casserole. Not a bad meal, I thought, as a few folks glanced my way
from beneath John Deere caps and cowboy hats.
After
eyeing this odd stranger for a bit, the waitress yelled across the counter,
“You’re a veg’tarian? How come you don’t eat meat?” The room became
silent. Eyes slowly lifted. Trigger fingers itched. My cautious response was
heard by all: “I don’t eat meat because each time we ingest the flesh of a
once living being, our souls slightly weaken, making it more difficult to
achieve enlightenment.”
The
waitress stared at me blankly, but I felt the booth behind me shake. “You
saying I’m going to HELL because I eat MEAT?” I escaped thanks to the
conveniently greasy floor between myself and a very large belt buckle. I
realized on my way out that telling the full truth every time in every setting
is NOT the best thing. I made a personal pact as I saw a small crowd of flannel
shirts and cowboy boots through the dust in my rear-view mirror: to make my
explanations for not eating meat fit the circumstances. My next opportunity came
a few weeks later.
I
was in northern California, home of the redwoods, Bigfoot, environmentalists and
crusaders for legalizing marijuana. I had chosen a hip-looking café for lunch.
After they saw my east coast license plates, an appropriately hip-looking group
invited me to join them. This time I was prepared. “I’m a vegetarian because
it bothers me that there are people starving to death while we waste 16 pounds
of grain to make one pound of beef. Why not use those 16 pounds of grain to make
16 pounds of food?” I began to feel the warmth of admiration and continued
with even more passion, “If Americans ate just 10% less meat, the amount of
grain saved would feed the starving of the world.” The cool people with
eyebrow rings and tattoos nodded with approval as they ordered veggie burgers
and plates of steamed vegetables. I left this town high on hipness, surfing the
sea of cool.
Sometimes,
though, no matter what I say, no matter how many points I make, I am wrong.
Wrong wrong wrong, dammit. Such a time came one evening, as I was having dinner
with a friend and her buff, thick-haired,
knows-everything-because-his-daddy’s-a-doctor, drives-a-BMW boyfriend. When my
friend asked if I was still a vegetarian, I was laughed at and subjected to a
lengthy tirade about what a complete imbecile I was. After my usual brief
explanations were shot down, I had heard enough. I began MY tirade…
“You
need to eat meat because you’re a serious athlete? The strongest animals in
the world - elephants and gorillas to name but two - are herbivores. Studies
have shown that most people eat too much protein and this blocks the body’s
absorption of vitamins and minerals. All amino acids can be supplied by plant
sources alone and fiber comes only from plants. A vegetarian diet isn’t
healthy?” I picked up speed. “Vegetarians are less likely to form kidney or
gall stones, have lower risk of getting osteoporosis, have drastically lower
blood pressure, lower cholesterol and almost no heart disease. Cancer death
rates for vegetarians are one-half to three-quarters of those of
non-vegetarians. The most respected oncologist in my town is a vegetarian and
raised his children that way. Hmmm… I wonder why? Maybe he’s just not all
that educated on the subject...”
To
my surprise, a young woman sitting behind us interrupted me: “I’m sorry, but
I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I just published an article on
chicken farms and the beef industry. If you saw how disgusting and unsanitary
things are, if you had any compassion whatsoever for animals, you’d never eat
flesh foods again.”
I
think Mr. Studmuffin was overwhelmed by all the reasons not to eat meat, but he
wasn’t giving up. He tried another angle. “But what do you eat? There’s
really nothing but salad and vegetables.” He continued in a condescending,
belittling manner, “What would you do at business or social functions if you
don’t eat meat? Or you’re on the road and in a hurry?” He looked at me as
though I must not get out much.
“Nothing
to eat?” It was my turn for condescension. I smiled sympathetically. “The
variety of foods is limited only by one’s lack of creativity.” I began
speaking quickly with little pause between sentences. I was inspired.
“Let’s
start with Italian. Any kind of pasta will work. On pizza you have onions,
peppers, tomatoes, mushrooms, olives, pineapple... you name it.
Mexican-there’s nothing better than a free bowl of warm tortilla chips and
salsa while I wait for my bean burrito, cheese and onion enchilada, refried
beans, and Spanish rice. Chinese? Vegetable Lo Mien, vegetable
stir-fries--broccoli, snap peas, leeks, carrots, those tiny corn cobbies served
over rice... even egg rolls. Oh, and don’t forget Indian restaurants.
“But
if I have a meeting in a good old hot dogs, apple pie establishment? Hmmm… I
love grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches. And soup... do I love soup! Tomato,
broccoli and cheese, corn chowder, cream of potato, vegetable rice, minestrone,
vegetarian split pea...
“You
can order a submarine sandwich - or ‘grinder’ if you live in the northeast -
and fill it with lettuce, tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, cucumbers, carrots and
olives. You can completely forget that you used to put a slice of meat on the
thing.
“You’ve
got breads and grains in general. You’ve got hummus, peanut butter, nuts,
legumes... sorbet, frozen yogurt, watermelon, bananas, strawberries… I
shouldn’t mention some foods but I will: chocolate, cinnamon rolls, donuts,
ice cream, potato chips, biscuits, baklava, cheesecake, pudding…
“While
we’re on the subject of deadly foods, what options does a vegetarian have in
fast food restaurants other than french fries and salad? Veggie Whoppers and
grilled cheese are on some Burger King menus. McDonald’s cheeseburgers are
actually quite good without the meat. Wendy’s offers vegetable pitas and baked
potatoes. Kentucky Fried Chicken has corn-on-the-cob, mashed potatoes, green
beans, and excellent potato wedges. You can order Taco Bell bean burritos, rice,
and Nachos Supreme or Mexican Pizza without the meat.
“And
if you can’t live your life without the taste of meat, vegetarian ‘meats’
now taste so much like the real thing you’d be hard-pressed to tell the
difference. Chicken patties, chicken nuggets, hamburger patties, ham and cheese
rolls, sausage, bacon, hot dogs - you actually know what’s in the veggie ones
- and more.”
By
the time I’d finished, I had an audience begging for more and a BMW guy
openmouthed and speechless. I left the premises amongst applause and with the
satisfaction of knowing that another opinionated butt-wipe has been set straight
by my brilliance.
My
mother-in-law (notice the transitional element) is annually offended that we
don’t eat her slaved-over-for-hours Thanksgiving turkey. She has often chided
me for raising my children as vegetarians. “You should let them eat right
until they are old enough to decide on their own.” My response is that I
wholeheartedly agree! When my children are old enough to increase their chances
for disease by choosing less healthy foods, they can do so. Until then, I have
the responsibility of providing them with their best chance for good health.
I’ll
admit that before switching some ten years ago, I thought that being a
vegetarian meant I would eat only salads, tofu, fruits, and bread. I thought
that I would die of meat-withdrawal symptoms, quickly tire of leafy green
vegetables and go crazy as I fruitlessly (no pun intended) search for places to
eat. On the contrary, I’ve found that it’s actually quite easy to simply not
add meat to my meals.
And
if you’re ever deep in the heart of cattle country and you find yourself
waist-deep in cowboy boots and belt buckles, remember the lessons learned; cater
your answer to those around you. “My mother died just last year from eating
bad meat, OK?” And then cry. Crying while mentioning your mother ALWAYS does
the trick!
Rob
Daugherty has managed to live an active lifestyle for the last ten years as a
vegetarian despite dire warnings from the neighbors and in-laws. As much as he
tries to eat perfectly he still has a weakness for pineapple and onion pizza and
Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. For more humor and enlightenment, check out
Rob’s short stories on his two sites www.manlythoughts.com
and www.hypnosite.com
This article appears in New Renaissance, Volume 11, Number
1.
Copyright © 2002 by Renaissance Universal, all rights reserved.
Posted on the web on March 2002.
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